November 21, 2008

Giving up a dream

So I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that my third (and most likely my last) baby will be another boy. Wow....3 boys!! My friends, especially the ones without any kids, think I'm crazy! But I love my boys!! They are my life! But I still can't shake the horrible feeling I get in my gut and the tears that come to my eyes whenever I see little girl shoes or hear my best friend talking about her baby girl that is due a week before my little boy.

Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of being a mom. I dreamed of having a little baby to carry around, push in a stroller and give a bottle to. I also dreamed of that baby being a little girl, one that I could buy little princess dresses for and pull her hair back into pigtails with little pink bows. All these years I never even considered that I may never be the mother of a little girl.

Now, before you go thinking that I'm a horrible mom and that I don't love my boys, let me just make one thing very clear. I do love my boys with all my heart. I couldn't imagine my life without them! And I am so excited to be having another boy. Seriously, how many moms can say that they are the proud mom to 3 active little boys! I don't love my boys any less and wouldn't trade them for the world.

With that said, I'm not upset that this baby is a boy, I'm crushed that I have to give up my dream that I've had since I was a little girl. My dream of picking up little pink bows and putting them neatly away in a white wicker basket and tripping over a clear plastic shoe with glitter all over it on my way to the kitchen.

I am slowly starting to feel better, but I wonder if I will ever fully be able to give up my dream. I know that we can try again, or we could adopt. And maybe once this little guys comes I won't want a little girl. Maybe my dream will be forgotten. I doubt it, but maybe. For now I'm just going to go and sort through my pile of baby girl clothes that I've collected over recent months to give to my friend for her little girl. And I'll cry, but that's ok. Tears are ok. Right?

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